A Monthly Publication

By David Woolley

DipCAH, HPD, MPNLP, CertSCS, MNCH (Reg), MNGH

Principal Consultant, Brookhouse Hypnotherapy (Norfolk)

I see clients for a variety of different issues but there is undoubtedly a common denominator in confidence.  Confidence is something that everyone recognises as an important thing to have and yet no one ever seems to teach us how to get it.  If I know one thing to be true it is this:  confidence is a skill that you learn.  It is not something that we are born with or without.

  Something I would like to clarify first is the subject of arrogance or being “too big for our boots.”  It never ceases to amaze me how many people I find actively resist building confidence for fear of becoming arrogant.  Confidence and arrogance are NOT the same thing.  They are not even on the same continuum.  Arrogance is more reflected in the way you treat others, and is often a sign of a lack of inner confidence.  Confidence is about what you think of yourself, personally, internally.  Nobody else will ever know!  So, before you read on, please let go of that voice that you hear saying “Don’t get too cocky!”  Let’s be clear about one thing, there is no such thing as too much confidence.

  There are many different elements to building confidence but for the purpose of this article we will focus on just two. One is about how we explain and rationalise to ourselves what has already happened to us and the other is about what we imagine for ourselves in the future.  

  Let’s start with the future.  Our imagination is an incredibly powerful tool and yet its energy is almost exclusively channelled into imagining things going wrong!  This has two effects.  It makes us feel bad and lack confidence going into the event and like a self fulfilling prophecy seems to make us perform badly at the event.  If you are going to buy a house it can be useful to look at all the possible pitfalls in order to guard against them.  This has less of a place when imagining your future experiences.  The simple fact is it’s up to you what you imagine. We have complete control but often don’t realise it.  Imagine now, an event that is coming up in your future.  Something you would like to perform well or be successful at.  This time imagine going into the event feeling calm and confident.  As you imagine that, notice how much better you are dealing with the situation.  Maybe you imagine a difficult situation arising but somehow this time you just seem to take it all in your stride as though it was just part of the plan, you remain unaffected.  As you begin to gain in confidence imagine how the event will end with the outcome you wanted and notice how much better you feel as a result.  Easier than you thought?  Just because something is effective doesn’t mean it has to be difficult.

  It is also important how we view the things that happen too us.  More specifically:

1. What we add permanence to and what we isolate as a one off 2. What we take credit for and what we attribute to external factors. 

Confident people add permanence to the successes they experience.  “I always seem to do well at job interviews” or “We never lose to this team.”  Their brain therefore assumes that success will continue.  They are also able to isolate bad experiences as a freak event or a one off.  For example “I played badly today” rather than “I am a bad player.”   People that lack confidence tend to do the opposite.  Take care to add permanence to your successes and isolate and bad experiences.

  It can be useful to think of your confidence as a bank that you keep making deposits into as you watch it grow.  To do this it is important to take credit for the things you do well and also not take responsibility for things out of your control.  Following a successful job interview the explanation is: “I got the job because I have the skills they needed and I performed well in the interview.”  Rather than “I was lucky the other candidates must have been rubbish!”  Following an unsuccessful job interview the response could be “I did my best but was unlucky that someone with more experience went for the same job.”  Rather than “I knew I wouldn’t get the job, I’m not cut out for this.”

  To summarise, give yourself credit for the things you do well at and don’t give yourself a hard time for things you couldn’t control.  Above all else, if you are going to imagine a future event, imagine it going well!!

  I hope this article has given you an introduction into how confidence can be built.  If you would like any more information that please feel free to contact me at Brookhouse Hypnotherapy (Norfolk) on 0845 603 4421 or visit www.hypnopro.co.uk